Nemo Vivat In Aeternum
by Evil Icing
Summary: No one lives forever. Let it be learned that being indestructible is not always a good thing, and sadness is not always unwelcome. Hiei/Kurama friendship fic... sort of?


**Disclaimer: Yep, you guessed it... I don't own YYH or any of its characters. Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Nemo Vivat In Aeternum<strong>

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><p>It was a face—or rather, lack of face hidden beneath red velvet tresses—that Hiei had never seen on the fox before.<p>

He smelled something bitter, almost salty, in the rain as he observed Kurama seated underneath his tree. All he could see was the vibrant red hair, weighed down by the persistent rain and matted against a black peacoat, and black slacks on top of legs that were pulled tightly into a trembling chest. Trembling?

The Kurama that sat there was not the Kurama that Hiei knew.

Hiei frowned, balanced skillfully on top of a branch right above the kitsune. He knew that Kurama _knew_ he was here. Why hadn't he called to him or even attempted to acknowledge his presence?

Hiei hadn't the slightest idea of how to approach this rainy, confusing, not-Kurama situation. However, the harsh silence and lack of acknowledgment from either party was destroying him. Someone had to make a move.

"Kurama."

It wasn't a question, nor was it statement…it was nothing. A word, some syllables. It ended more quietly than it had started, as if his uncertainty had given him second thoughts.

And there was no reply to Hiei's word. Kurama did not attempt to show in any way that he had heard his name being called.

"_Kurama_."

A little louder this time. Nothing. Kurama's name was carried away silently by the rain, as if it had never even been spoken.

"Tch," Hiei snorted, as he could no longer contain being ignored, especially by Kurama. He jumped downwards, landing closer to the pile of red hair than he had meant to.

He decided to abandon any bravado he usually proceeded with as he reached for him, although the reach did not connect. He stopped before he was even close to touching. He waited. Nothing, no signs… no participation from Kurama.

Hiei was close to thinking that perhaps he had somehow died in the past few minutes, until finally Kurama's shoulders trembled again, and he lifted his head slowly from his knees. Although Hiei couldn't see his face completely, he saw the rain trickle down his cheeks, pieces of crimson hair stuck to the wetness.

"Enough, Kurama," Hiei ventured. He wasn't sure why he sounded angry. "Clearly I have no idea what is going on, so you can just tell me what this is about, or I'll be forced to use the Jagan."

It wasn't really a threat, only a suggestion. Hiei hardly worried that his friend would take it the wrong way, as Kurama was aware he had the uncanny ability to make almost any sentence or combination of words sound like a death threat.

He saw Kurama's bulging Adam's apple bob as he took a swallow. His face was still shielded by the wall of hair, but he still appeared calm and poised.

Finally, he opened his mouth; at first only a breath escaped, a quiet sigh that only Hiei heard. "Life… has never ceased in its cruelty." His reply came out in a hoarse choke.

Not what Hiei had expected him to say. He waited for more clarification, for more of Kurama's voice. Did he have to torture an explanation out of him?

"I take it something has happened?" he asked, turning away, pretending to be uninterested in the conversation that he himself had initiated.

"Yes."

Kurama may have been satisfied with his mysterious, short answer, but Hiei most certainly was not.

"Kurama, I thought you were going to tell me what—"

Hiei stopped his words as the redhead lifted his face to look at him. His facial expression was the same as it always was: calm, neutral, and blasé. Yet there was something that Hiei noticed was off. The fox's energy felt… dark. Desolate. Different.

Kurama allowed him to search his eyes, glossy walls guarding empty puddles of green. His thick lashes were damp from the incessant rain… wait, no. Hiei finally pinpointed what was so off: it appeared that the streams of liquid smeared over Kurama's face had not come from only the rain; they had come from his own eyes. Kurama was _crying._

Hiei was so taken aback and confused by his discovery that he found himself drawn even closer to Kurama's body. No longer pretending to be apathetic in the situation, he stood there with no clever remark, and no words to ask questions. "Y-You're…" he stammered.

"Crying… yes, Hiei," Kurama finally admitted quietly. His voice still sounded stuck inside his throat, a voice Hiei had never heard Kurama use. "I'm not sure why the tears still fall. My emotions are…"

He stopped as he searched Hiei's doubtful face, casting his own downward into his lap again. His hair protected him yet again.

"I wonder, why now, of all times… things were fine, there were no warnings…" he continued slowly. "_She_… is gone, Hiei. Unlike last time, there was… nothing I could do."

Hiei noticed Kurama's voice tremble as he spoke the final words, his pale hands reaching for his burning cheeks. His fingers wiped away a fresh tear. His eyes were still calm, as if this situation was the most natural thing in the world. It appeared as if there was no shame or regret in letting Hiei see him cry. Still the model picture of perfection, intricacy, and something else that Hiei couldn't quite place. It almost bothered him that Kurama appeared so composed, even now.

"I… I knew that _she_ could be the only reason you'd be… crying."

Hiei looked away as he said the word; it wasn't a word he was very familiar with. Personally, he had never recalled ever crying in his lifetime. There were times when extreme anger had overtaken him and his eyes had glazed over with the feeling of fury, but never tears that fell freely. He remembered Yukina had been forced to cry by those greedy bastards that sought after her precious tear-gems. But never had he experienced firsthand the feeling that would elicit such a reaction. He ventured to think that Kurama, also, was probably not well acquainted with tears. He knew Kurama to be, at one point in time, far more of a cold-blooded demon than himself. Yoko Kurama was above such a feeling of remorse and weakness.

"That," Kurama answered, sadly, "is not why I am crying."

Hiei simply stared, still uncertain of what to say. Kurama decided to look at him again, sighing, and continued when Hiei said nothing. "I have never felt this way about anyone, or anything… this feeling of _love_, and wanting to protect, to give my own life to save another… and, as you know, I nearly succeeded in doing just that not too long ago. I cared for the woman, Hiei… I… _loved_ her. Her unconditional love for me, as her son, entranced me, and I _know_ that overtime I grew to have to same feelings for her, as well. There is no doubt in my mind."

He stopped, although he made it clear that he planned to continue. "So then… _why_, how is that from this unforeseen tragedy… I feel _nothing_?"

Kurama held his hands out in front of him, studying, memorizing his palms as if they had the answer to the question he proposed. Hiei fidgeted in his stance beside him, looking to the unpleasant, marshy grass. His brows knitted together as if also pondering; for what, he wasn't sure.

Then Kurama's fists tightly clenched together, and scarlet drops slipped out of his palms. He looked angry, maybe because the tears began to fall once again. "I am crying because I am _not _crying for her like I _should_ be."

Hiei's eyes finally met his. Kurama could've sworn they almost looked instinctively sympathetic. "Kurama, you realize that makes no sense."

"I have lost many people throughout my lifespan, but above all I truly believe that her involvement in my life has affected me more than any other… even those from my former days in Makai, and even more than my new companions here in the human world. She meant the most to me, and look at me, I sit here now telling you that I feel empty and unaffected."

Kurama shifted his gaze ahead to the falling rain, an unwanted lullaby that beckoned more tears.

"So, you're saying that you… would rather feel the sadness?" a confused Hiei asked, almost feeling dumb in his inquiry. Very rarely did anyone, even Kurama, approach him with their problems. He tried to stay away from ridiculous human affairs as much as possible, really. He inwardly hoped Kurama didn't blame him for not completely understanding.

Kurama thought for a moment, then nodded weakly. "Indeed… I would feel better knowing that I am over stricken with grief over such a loss. I feel that I owe her that… and so much more. And yet, I appear to be unable to give her even that…"

Hiei shook his head, eyes closed. "Kurama," he began, "you are the strongest being I have ever known."

Kurama almost looked surprised to hear the confession, although it seemed a little out of place. His slightly swollen emerald eyes looked almost innocent and childlike. He frowned dejectedly as he continued to study the fire demon standing over him.

"You know that your strength and wisdom are what have kept you alive for so long, and you have always been able to make any decision without letting your emotions interfere."

Hiei stopped, letting the words sink into the other's mind. Kurama waited patiently for more of Hiei's insight, his tumid eyes even more lidded and weak from the salty tears.

"Maybe that's why you're unable to feel the sadness… your emotions are well-trained and… indestructible."

Kurama's eyes fell, crestfallen, sore. "Hiei…"

"Hn," was all Hiei said, crossing his arms tensely. He waited for Kurama to reply, but he was silent, thinking to himself. He knew that there was nothing more he could say.

"What will you do now?" he eventually asked.

He had never known Kurama to take so long to answer questions. He understood that the fox was definitely distracted right now, though. Kurama stood slowly, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the tree. "I have no answer right now, Hiei, although I have also asked myself the same question. Even though I have chosen the life of Shuichi Minamino, it appears that life, as I mentioned earlier, can be cruel. It almost seems ironic that after all we've been through these past few years, and with Yusuke saving my mother's life before, that she has been taken again... although this time it is permanent." He bit his lip, nibbling at the chapped skin. "Perhaps it was… simply meant to be, and she was really meant to die that day. Perhaps I have cheated and stolen from life entirely too much and this is my punishment."

Hiei turned his head away. "Don't blame yourself, fox. It is _not_ your fault."

"I wonder," Kurama spoke almost inaudibly, as if to himself.

"What about Yusuke and the others? Have you told them yet?"

"No," Kurama answered inattentively. His reticent face was proof that his mind was elsewhere. "Only you."

Hiei looked uncomfortable.

"They wouldn't understand. Yusuke, Kuwabara… all of them. Although they've witnessed me do truly deplorable things, they don't really understand who I was—who I _am_."

"Your fragile human body is going to get ill in this cold rain," Hiei changed the subject once again. "Maybe we should consider finding a drier place to talk."

Kurama almost seemed touched, his recent tears already dried. "Or perhaps I should consider returning to the funeral that I abandoned… I suppose I can give her that much." He took a step closer to the short demon. "I want to thank you, Hiei. I feel you have taught me something today… although, I admit I'm not quite sure what."

Hiei snorted, a slight smile tugging at his lips. "You know where to find me, if you need any help."

Kurama nodded politely at his attempt to offer his condolences. After a moment, Hiei had vanished into the trees above, possibly on a mission to find someplace less wet. He sighed, the rain continuing to soak him to the bone. Even in the cold, damp rain shower, Kurama was not bothered; even now, he felt nothing. _Nothing. _ The rain, his feelings, his surroundings… in a blur of harsh reality, it was all empty and nothingness.

_Although she gave me her love and made me feel human,_ Kurama thought, _it appears I am still as heartless and inhuman as I have always been. After all the pretending and the facades, I cannot fool myself. No… I'm deeply sorry, Mother. I want to feel sadness for you, or anything at all, but I am incapable… my callousness is not only my greatest strength, but also my own hated weakness. You deserved a real son, a son that could cry for you. I am…truly evil to take such a thing away from you._

Hiei watched from afar as cold, green eyes battled inner turmoil. Still in the same spot Hiei had left him, Kurama was a statue. It was apparent even to him that the kindness the human woman filled Kurama's void with was beginning to turn empty again without her. Like a vase full of cracks, Shiori's love was seeping out through the holes of Kurama's heart; all that would be left in its removal would be flowers, withered and dehydrated. Her love was no longer there to dam the gaps. Kurama knew this. He always knew.

Amber suddenly sparkled within the distant redhead's green eyes, and Hiei saw him run—a quick sprint that was as urgent as it was graceful. It was not towards the direction of the Hatanaka household, nor was it anywhere else Hiei knew of that Kurama frequented.

He only hoped that he would see the fox demon again someday, whether it was under this dark, cloudy sky or a different one altogether.

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><p><strong>AN: **Although I believe Kurama has many different aspects to his personality, and that thanks to Shiori he does have a softer side, I still enjoy a good "dark Kurama." I strongly believe that if she died, the kind, caring Kurama that we all know and love would cease to exist, and his demon instincts would gain complete control. Sometimes I like to believe that, emotion-wise, Kurama is empty (which is where I got the inspiration for this little story). Perhaps his mother is the one that makes him want to pretend otherwise. Because of her, Kurama _wants _to feel, wants to believe he's capable of human emotion. He's so complex; he can be caring, funny, smart, loyal, yet also he has his moments where he is cold and heartless. That's why I love Shiori so much… she's the glue that holds Kurama together. She's so important to the series, she just doesn't realize it. I can't help it, dammit… I love this cheesy Kurama/Shiori stuff! Just my opinions, though. I hope I'm not the only one out there who loves to explore the dark side of Kurama. If you made it this far, thanks for reading!


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